Thursday, August 18, 2011

Neverland

So, my parents and I just dropped off my little brother to Baylor University, and it feels so weird. I feel like he is just off to camp or something (which is a bit funny because my first two weeks of college I felt like I was at camp.)

Coming back home for the night, I have been feeling melancholy. Like a piece of my childhood is dead with Daniel going to college, we are all growing up. I have not cried yet, but while I was cleaning, I was listening to "Somewhere Only We Know" by the Warblers, and it hit me so hard. I sang this this morning with my dad in the car, but the lyrics hit me really hard.

"Is this the place, we use to love, is this the place that I have been dreaming of? Oh simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old and need something to rely, so tell me when you gonna let me in, I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to being.
If you have a minute why don't we go, talk about it somewhere only we know, this could be the end of everything, so why don't we go, somewhere only we know?"

Reality is, my childhood is done with, it has been for a while, but with Daniel and my close friend Sarah still in high school, I felt like I could go "Somewhere Only We Know" and pretend like our childhood was still young and strong! But it isn't, and I hate it. I loved my childhood, God was beyond gracious in giving me and my family so many beautiful memories, and I want it to be that way forever. Mind you, I really want to marry and have kids of my own, but there is just something about being a kid, it is so carefree and such a strong blind faith. I find that I am doubting myself a lot lately and my choices, which is not good at all, God knows what is in store, and worrying is only going to make me want to tear my hair out.

I guess deep down, I want to be like Peter Pan and fly off the Neverland, to have no worries and to be a kid forever. The problem is, Neverland is not real, we all become adults at some point, and that is how God intended it. Because if we stayed kids, we could not evolve with Christ and become closer and learn more as time goes on, we would just blindly trust him all the time, which cannot be because of our human nature of selfish. And I want to be selfish, I want to be a kid forever, I don't want to go to college and grow up because in my mind, at the moment, adults don't do anything as fun as kids. (My rational side assures me, there is plenty of fun things adults do that kids can't) but the child inside me says, "No, please come back, we were safe here" and that is really what is comes down to, I want to feel safe, and since I know the past, the past is safe. The future is not safe, so I don't want to know the future. Anyway, this post is just a little part of me feeling sad that my life is changing so drastically what with Daniel going to college and my sister Rachel just graduating. But, in the end, I know God's plan for my life is beyond what I can ever imagine, even Neverland can't compare.

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