Get ready because I am posting a bunch of insights today in different posts because the Spirit inside of me is taking a thought and going so many places with it that I find blogging to be the easiest way to assess and also learn new things as I type. (You get the raw thoughts, I really don't edit these other than trying to find the grammatical errors and yes I know, I am a comma splice queen.) This thought actually comes from talking with my dad and also my post about Sibling Rivalry.
I really hate failure.
No really, as I type the word failure I cringe.
I feel like I need to do something to erase any failure in my life.
But I can't erase sin on my own.
Over Memorial weekend we had my second cousins over and it was wonderful. We all sat around the table eating and talking for hours. School came up in the conversation and my dad was discussing how during his sabbatical he has been trying to see what changed he could make to his teaching style (I am always amazing at how much thought my dad puts into how he can help his students and make them enjoy learning. He even as of late put up his final exam from his first philosophy class with a huge F on the test because he failed his first philosophy course, but God encouraged him and he got a Ph.D in philosophy still!) Anyway, my dad was talking about how failure is something that the education system makes extremely negative and teaches us (hidden curriculum here) how to avoid failure when actually failure is really good and is when people can grow and learn the most.
In this conversation I kept nodding my head and thinking "Yes! I hate failure and I become skittish and in school I did learn many different ways to avoid failure because if I failed, I must have been seen as a complete failure. No no no no no no!"
In my previous post I mentioned the elder brother's sin of trying to achieve self-righteousness by following the rules and being obedient to earn favor. I think it is really easy to slide into this type of sin when failure has occurred or almost occurred. I think we as humans hate failure (not just because the education system has taught us this) because I think we hate being caught in sin, when our sin is made known because that means we failed. Some may not seen sinning as a bad thing (the media and society encourage self gratification and also rule following, looking out for the self always) but when one is caught "in the act" that person has failed. (This is not applied to in every situation, but there are quite a few that would fall into this sequence of events.Usually if it is "the exception" it is because one has not accepted Christ so they won't see sin as failure.)
Back to me, because I only know myself. When I sin I feel so much like a failure I do not accept it very well. Let's face it, I will sin again, I will fall short of God, but that is not the end of the story. God uses trials to build us up, we must fail in order to turn to Him and seen the gifts he has given us. If I don't fail, I won't feel the need to go to God for anything, why should I? I am never failing so why would I admit I sin and need a someone like Christ to wipe away that failure in my life? It is very difficult to see sin (for me) and know that this is 1) human nature, we all fall short of what God expects of us 2) only when I die and enter the kingdom will I stop sinning, there will not be a time in life when I have "conquered" every sin and also 3) Jesus takes that failure and sin away when it happens, because I have accepted the grace God gave me and Jesus paid the price for my sin when He died.
I need to change my reaction to failure, because I am human and failure is a healthy thing. I will never find the solution to never sin and be perfect all the time here on Earth. My spirit revolts that because it will lead to me becoming my own lord in my life instead of leaning on God when I do fail. I am going to try and seen failure as beautiful and needed instead of this poison that I need to avoid at any cost because it really changes how I view myself and how I perceive God to see me.