This week has been super difficult.
I leave project in 6 days.
I don't want to leave project.
I have already cried twice.
How can I describe the most intimate fellowship and community ever? That leaving summer camp is but a minute fraction compared to how I feel at this moment? That even college friendships can't compare to summer project connections? That when I leave these people I fear going back to my selfish humanistic nature? That I will again bottle up my emotions and life and just be an observer to the world? I have changed so much in these 7 weeks that I don't want to stop!
It is hard to see life continually transforming without these people beside me. I am prayerful I find community and create community like this wherever I go, but I also don't want it without these 19 other people.
I am realizing this is but the beginning of a year of goodbyes. God is going to call us into different places and opportunities, and not everyone at home can come with me on my next step in life. But I have to cling to God more and more so that I can smile at these goodbyes, not just cry my eyes out with the realization of loss of friendships.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family, but I have not allowed myself to be vulnerable to those people because I have yet to ask them to be vulnerable with me. Summer Project in the beginning basically invites you to let all your shadows out and be accepted as you are. Youth group really isn't designed that way because it is scary to be vulnerable. I can't necessarily go to my parents and say "Tell me all the good bad and ugly in your life up to this point!"
We humans don't like airing out dirty laundry. But when we do is when we grow the closest with people. I feel like when I leave this project part of me will always be left here. I am also so scared because I know what it is like to say "Of course we will stay in contact, you guys are just the best!" from summer camps, conventions, etc. and I can't really think of anyone that I stayed in contact with beyond the first month. I am so scared to loose these people in my life, that once again it will be a short season.
I want to see God and cling to him, yet for some reason I just cannot see anything. I can't see my future, what He desires in my life, how my senior year will even play out! I feel stuck yet the need to move on.
Serious prayers are needed for me to go through these next few days and to see his face and not my sad state of mind.