Wednesday we had our meeting time and Spencer, one of our student directors, spoke on the Holy Spirit and being satisfied with the Spirit. We must decrease so that we can experience the Spirit increase. The Spirit doesn’t literally increase, because God has given us all the Spirit we will ever need, but when we are putting ourselves first, there isn’t much room for the Spirit in our lives. But once we decrease ourselves, we see and experience the spirit much more!
So we were in discussion in small groups and we were talking about just listening to God’s voice even for the small things. I realized (and confessed) that I doubt God’s voice all the time. I will sit in silence and say “God, please speak to me” and I will hear something like “I love you child.” My immediate reaction to that is “Oh, that is obviously Satan” and shut it out. When I feel content in doing something my thought is “Oh, obviously God doesn’t want me to do that because I want to do it.” Courtney (the other student director) was so mindful in reminding me in scripture it says that God knows the desires of our hearts and will grant those desires. I do not need to find misery to say “Oh, there’s God.” Also, Satan may be taunting me and seducing me, but I need to just listen to God and obey Him so that I truly can discern between His Voice and Satan’s voice.
I am coming to realize when it comes to me, I analyze, re-analyze, over analyze, (and analyze my over analyzation). It is hard to live in my own head! I don’t give God any time or room to work in me since I am always questioning and doubting myself and Him.
Specifically I have not known what in the world to do beyond college. Do I intern with Cru, but in that do I do Year One or campus ministry? Do I study for the GED, do I want to go to grad school, but then I am desiring money so obviously God isn’t calling me to that, but I love kids, but I can’t teach, so I won’t teach…..on and on and on my head is processing all of this.
Do you know what that does? Courtney reminded me that just thinking on the matter and continually waiting is paralyzing me. While I am questioning and analyzing everything about me time keeps going by and I am not doing anything for His Glory. Sometimes God needs us to actually do something to show us what he desires us to do next. A baby doesn’t just wait until walking comes to them, they crawl, they pick themselves up, they fall down, and in all of that the parent is encouraging and showing them how to do the next step. One doesn’t usually pick up an infant and just start walking it around, you try and show it how to crawl and encourage it on. God does the same. Sure, he may give us a glimpse of what is to come, but he is constantly telling us the next step when we are ready, not before.
I still have a year of school left. This summer project first is preparing me for going back to TU to spread the gospel. I need to focus on that before trying to make any life plans. (At least I keep repeating that to myself, but who am I kidding? I am a mess trying to choose what to do next year!)