God is so good! No, as of right now I am not fully funded, but looking back on this summer of trials and lessons, I am so blessed God has taught me so much!
Sure, last night I might have been almost in tears thinking "God, I'm not going to make it, it just won't happen!" But at this time of season that is normal.
But today in worship I had a gut wrenching realization. I keep pleading with God, pleading He will bring in the last $800 in monthly commitments I need, pleading he will do it quickly, before Aug. 1st would be nice! Is that too much to ask?
This morning is the first time I really surrendered to the Lord. I do honestly hope I will reach my goal, I see God working. But I finally said "Lord, I will love you still if this money is not raised." After I said that, I felt such a release!
Sure, I keep reminding myself "God will love me if I don't raise this money. My salvation is not contingent on whether these funds come in." But I think God wanted me to learn to love Him deeply and not have it be contingent on my walk in life. God has put me through these trials this summer asking "Do you love me?" (I have a feeling I know what will happen once I say yes! Something along the lines of "Feed my sheep.")
God loves me, of this I am certain. But God is continually asking me to love Him. Not just when He answers my prayers, or helps me through a trial, but everyday. I don't often choose to love Him outside of circumstances. This summer is helping me see that I need to love God in the big moments as well as the small ones.
So if the rest of my support comes in the next 4 days I will have to give the glory to Him, because my measly work doesn't deserve the amount of love, prayers, support that has come in this summer. God has chosen each day to love me and love me fully, now it is my turn to choose to love Him no matter the cost, even if it means not going to Florida this next year.
I would love prayers for diligence and intentional time with the Lord these next few days as I see the days grow closer to my deadline I want to cling to Him and not panic and go crazy.
He is so good and faithful, this summer has been worth it simply for learning to love my God more deeply!