Monday, November 9, 2015

Waiting

It isn't easy being a human.

Every person is in a battle in life. We are constantly striving for perfection in a world that will only give us imperfection.

This for some reason has been a really hard thing to realize in this season of waiting. Waiting on God to show me where my next job/career/day will look like.

Going back to school after having already obtained a degree in two majors is really humbling.

One can learn a lot when you have no idea what you want to do for a career, let alone a job that will help you get to that career.

Here are some things I have learned:

1. Going back to college can trigger old insecurities you didn't realize you had or that you had even maybe gotten over in the big kid world.

2. You realize grades are not the end all definition of your identity.

3. Getting to know the professor will only help you in moving forward.

4. You will dress way better than other students cause your closet now consists of business casual outfits. So "not trying" for you will look different than the majority of other students.

5. Simple conversations might be awkward cause you are not a full time student immersed in the culture - commuters like in two different worlds while in college.

6. You have a new respect for a full work load (if you are only taking a course or two) cause you can barely get all the assignments done doing one class.

6b. Seriously - how do students maintain above a B in each class with the amount of lab work, reading, etc. that is required when taking 4-5 courses at once?! How did I do it?

Taking this computer science course has sent me through the entire spectrum of emotions.

Is this my calling? Should I pursue this long term? I hate how behind I am math wise - should I just call it quits? Lord, where is the angelic choir to let me know that I should pursue this?

With these questions going through my mind all the time I realized God is not going to send the angels down to announce when I have picked a career (let alone a Master's program). I have to choose to take a step forward.

In most 12 step programs they have a saying "One day at a time," Just focus on what you can do today and that is enough. I have cringed at this saying because I suck at this. My mind is constantly moving forward, how today will impact the weeks and months and years to come. Which is exactly why this saying is vital, because we as humans strive for success - which lends itself to thinking ahead to that success. But we can never plan success - it might happen it might not. There is always risk - no venture is risk free. So living one day at a time will make us so much more happy because if success comes great, but we won't be stressing out about it.

A few days ago I was talking with my mom about computer science and my decision to take the second course in the spring and she said "I don't think I have ever seen you challenged this much in a long time."

I immediately agreed - but upon thinking further - I realize that has been my desire for so long. I loved my time at Cru - but 2-3 months into each internship year I got antsy because my routine had become such that I could be on autopilot. Even when it came to growth - I knew exactly where step A would lead to step B and then epiphany C, D, and E would come from it! I called it "needing variety" but my mom hit it on the head - I need to be challenged.

God has definitely been challenging me in this season of waiting. I keep trying to find "the answer" (don't ask me what it is) in my mind once I get the right answer God will take me out of this season). But God is not going to give me "the answer" because there is not question of what God is saying - wait. Just wait - I have some great plans for you, but you have to be okay waiting. This whole life on earth is God asking us to wait - to wait to go to Heaven where there is perfection.

So while no epiphany has occurred about my next step in life, I am taking the step toward learning more about computer science. (A sentence I never thought I would say even a  month ago!) Let's see where God challenges me in this season!