Monday, May 9, 2016

Took Long Enough!

I have this habit of being really diligent about a project and then it gets put on the back burner (cough blogging cough).

Though it wasn't because of complete laziness, lots has happened since early March.

For example, I got a part time job which helped my stress levels considerably. It is a great fit for me, love my boss, and it gives me a little activity every day besides the class I take.

So March was prayer, and overall I found myself praying as I went to sleep, so that was a success. I was aware and talking to God on things I don't necessarily have the awareness to do day in and day out. Prayer is a struggle for me when there aren't highs and lows to go to the Lord about. Those little things, those little moments, those troubles that I know I can handle but stress me out, I forget that I can talk to God about those and not just fix them or move through them. I didn't get to study as many different types of prayers as I had planned, but there was a lot of transition with work, school, social balance so I give myself grace and March was a success!

April was the 7 minute workout which was a beast. The expectation was to do it 3 times a week (the recommendation) and I botched it. I did try again and again to be consistent. I found when I did it (and it is really deceptively hard and exhausting) my brain is not wired to like pushing myself physically like that and that was a real barrier for me. Also being sore for days is not a great motivation to want to continue to push my body.

I found myself saying "For England, for England" and that helped push me while I was in the midst of the workout. But man, there is a lot of mental games for me when it comes to actually motivating myself to get up and workout. April was a time when I was raising support to be able to go on a mission trip to England (hence the mantra) which brought out a lot of insecurities and fears from interning with Cru and I had to really just lay it out to God and trust that it would come in on God's timeline and not mine. And it did!

April was an unexpected hurdle because it was the first month where I did not have a habit to try every day, it was only 3 days a week. If you read some of my first posts this year I knew if I did not have an every day expectation I could push things back and end up never (or rarely) doing the task. It's interesting to learn this and be affirmed of this in myself. Not to say I will never do the 7 minute work out, but I need to create maybe more boundaries if I want to continue this habit and be consistent.

Now May is meditation. I have read so many articles on how 10 minutes of meditation can affect a lot of brain activity and specifically addictions that I knew I wanted to try it. I know I have a food addiction and I am needing to address the other hidden depths that brought me to that addiction rather than just focusing on food. And it is a great habit to try since I will be in England and I only need myself (and handy little app) to do this.

I also wanted to do meditation because it helps me become aware of myself and I hope by extension become aware of God being present in my lift too. Being attuned to my needs will hopefully give me clarity to turn it over to God and practice just being in the presence of God.

I will be honest, I have only done it twice (do the math, it's May 9th) but each time I have been really aware of myself throughout the day, I even found myself thinking through food options and what my body needs and what would benefit. That is not a normal thought pattern for me, I just breeze through and pick the most delicious item and then find ways to get excess food. So going to Target and only getting a packet of peanut butter M&Ms while in line was a HUGE success! I know this doesn't mean I am cured and everything is smooth sailing for my food addiction, but this meditation habit might become a norm the rest of the year. We shall see!

I am so nervous and excited to go to England, it is my first time abroad which brings a lot of anxieties for me because I like knowing what to expect and no one can prepare me enough because I have to experience it myself to really know what to expect. But I get to see my brother whom I have not seen in 8 months and see a country I have been dying to see since I read Harry Potter and dreamed of going to Hogwarts.

Now that school is finishing up (sniff) I hope to be more reflective in this space, but whether or not I am typing out my thoughts I know this year of trying is providing me with lots of things to process and think through and that is exactly what my hope had been.